Perceptions

Matching tattoos with my daughter - because I can <3

I had a conversation a few weeks ago with a coworker – he was telling me a story about his preschool child and a situation they found themselves in, involving a door the child wasn’t able to open. This story was about perceptions, how some members of the family panicked and the other members needed to stop and work it out so the child could open the door -even though they wanted to panic too. It brought up a memory from when I was about 6, one that I’ve thought of many times over the last 40+ years but never from the perspective of his story.

For those of you who’ve seen my other posts, you know how much I love to make a long story longer, as my dad would say lol. Please bear with me 😉 When I was about 6, we lived in Montana and went to the Red Lodge zoo for the first year it was open – a special treat for Father’s Day. If I remember right, we ate at The Purple Cow restaurant at that time too, and my dad was being particularly goofy 😊 We spent a lot of time in the car that day, and it was a wonderful day for me and my sister celebrating with our dad, but I remember thinking off and on my mom was a little distracted. Our youngest sister was a little less than a year old then and it could have been that Mom was focused on the baby, while me and the middle sister were entertaining ourselves, sometimes obnoxiously I’ll admit.

Anywho, on the way home on that trip, me and my sister needed to stop for a restroom. In Montana, there weren’t so many rest stops as there were outhouses at that time, and outhouses scared the hell out of my 3-year-old sister. We lock ourselves in a small wooden box with a seemingly unending hole under something we’re supposed to sit on, at sunset where we couldn’t really see anything – I can definitely see where she’d be afraid! So I went in with her, to be close by and reassure her that she wouldn’t fall in. I learned some very important lessons that day – 1, doors don’t always line up exactly right and the weight of the door may make it difficult to unlock… 2, panicking instead of thinking things through only makes the perception of matters worse… 3, how you act affects others…. 4, how you speak doesn’t always translate when others hear it…. 5, even though there are times when people come through for you, it is rare that anyone has your back (holds space for you) when you need it most…. 6, silence equates to punishment.

So we finished our business and I went to unlock the door, and it wouldn’t open. I shook the door and tried to rattle the latch loose, that didn’t work. It was pinched well into place, and I could not unlock it. I called for Dad, and he didn’t hear me – I believe he was still in the car. I called for Mom, someone had to be close by right, surely they wouldn’t leave two small children unattended? She didn’t answer right away either. I called louder and louder, my voice getting higher pitched and I could feel panic rising. Of course, my sister could feel my panic too, and started crying. Thoughts are racing in my head – how do I keep my sister safe, how do I get us out of this box, who can I rely on to help me?? My voice had gotten all the way to screaming before someone heard me – Mom rushed over and told me to open the door so she could get in and see what’s wrong. Of course I couldn’t, that WAS the problem. So we argued through the door about opening it, her voice also showing panic and despair, my sister was completely beside herself, and I was lost. Mom called Dad over, and Dad said “Mandy, open the door” nice and calm. And I said, “I can’t, the lock is stuck” also as calm as I could muster. So he leaned on it, took the pressure off the door, and said “Try it now”. And lo and behold, the lock was easy to move!! All of that, for something so simple.

But that’s not the end of the story. Montana is a very large state, and we had a long road ahead of us still before we got home, and my mom spent half of the remaining trip telling me how inconsiderate I was of her feelings and that I ruined the day for everyone in the family by panicking, and maybe we shouldn’t have even gone at all because now no one was going to have a good memory of the day and it was all my fault. Turned out she was imagining the worst, that my younger sister had fallen in and was likely drowning in sewage and I was blocking her ability to save her. Her inability to hear what I had to say was also my fault, since she couldn’t understand that we simply couldn’t open the door. I should not have had so much panic in my voice for something so stupid – if you’d have thought that through Mandy, we could have avoided all this. After she wore herself out on all that, she looked out the window and didn’t speak for the remainder of the trip. What’s even worse, I could feel her fear and her own feelings of helplessness and anger, I could feel my dad’s disappointment (although I don’t know who he was disappointed in – me, her, or both) and I could feel my sister’s fear, all of which also translated to my fault in my head. ☹

The horrible, ironic, funny thing is – I had the same thing happen when I had small children. They locked themselves into the bathroom at our house, and couldn’t get it to fully unlock. They panicked, I panicked, and I had to call their dad from work to come unlock the door – one of those silly little mechanisms that you stick a penny in and turn and it unlocks. ☹ I don’t fully remember if I blamed them out loud for feeling the way I did, but I know I felt horrible for days for not being able to think that through and have a calmer approach. Girls, if you’re reading this, I am so sorry if I did hold you responsible – words can’t change that, but please know I never actually meant you had to be responsible for me. Past me, I forgive you for reacting instead of working through it. And Mom, I forgive you for only doing what you knew how. This is how these wounds get passed from generation to generation. ☹

It wasn’t until I had that conversation at work recently that I understood that childhood conversation for what it was. That memory is one of my earliest ones, and I bring it up on occasion in my mind when I’m feeling down - when I’m feeling responsible for other people’s feelings - when I don’t have the experience I need to make a decision and am lost and don’t know what to do - when someone determines that I’m the devil in their world bent on making their lives hell - when I’m receiving the silent treatment as penance for my actions. That memory has always represented my inadequacy, my “faults”, my inability to think things through, the “need” to reinforce how horrible I feel because that’s what we do to ourselves. ☹ 

However, through the eyes of this dad that I work with and his child, what I saw in that memory was me not having the life experience to even have the ability to think that through, a role model who reacted instead of thinking things through herself, and the “why” for all this ‘guilt’ I carry. I saw, during the work conversation, a long line of moments in my life when that experience showed through as my inability to speak up, inaction based on insecurity, and my desire to “not rock the boat”. To only be what people expect from me, to observe instead of interact, to take responsibility when someone determines that I’m the reason their life doesn’t go right, and also, as much as I hate to admit it, my holding others responsible for how I feel. 40+ years, and I had only used that memory to punish myself when I lost a friend over a misunderstanding, when my best efforts fell short, when I didn’t know how to communicate effectively…. All this time working on all of these things, and it had never occurred to me before where all of it stemmed from so I could dig out the root. It also reminds me what my Grandpa always told me, that things will happen only when it’s time for them to.

Sigh… All of this is directly in opposition to who and how I want to be. I remember a time in my life where I didn’t take any shit from anyone, that if I had to say no it was always followed up with exactly what I thought about the situation, and I didn’t allow people to overstep my boundaries – they knew exactly where the boundaries were and what the consequences would be. Life happens though, and these things (like that old memory) that we don’t remember or don’t think through will bleed through into our actions and thoughts. I sometimes think I’m making great strides in being “me” again, then some thing comes up and I fall right back into being a 6-year-old, holding up the weight of the world and carrying everyone else’s responsibilities.

Thank you for following along so far! I’m sure this ramble has touched on many of the same things other rambles have touched on – hopefully this time there are new pieces that will help me (and maybe you!) process more of what keeps us from being whole.

While I’m writing, I’m also thinking this could be where my desire to remain in the background stems from - that I don’t want recognition, sympathy, attention, care – because eventually those things could be used against me, which has happened more times than I can count. Self-fulfilling prophecies, right? What we fear, we attract they say, because there is so much investment in it. We’ll have to talk about that later, or else we’ll be here all day lol.

That above is also in opposition to who I am and want to be though … I am /was also the loudest person in the room, the one who demands attention, the one who doesn’t back down. I don’t speak unless I know exactly what I’m saying (for the most part) and will stand up against almost everyone for what I believe in. The dragon in me knows exactly what to say and when, how to be seen without taking away other’s ability to be seen, how to get her point across in a way that others understand, how to keep respectable boundaries without encroaching on others’ freedoms. Wouldn’t life be so much simpler, if we could allow ourselves to follow ourselves in who we want to be? And yet, we bring up these memories and keep ourselves small… for what, exactly? My mom passed when I was 12, who have I been trying to please for the last 30-some years? The answer to that, embarrassingly, is everyone – but only from my perspective.

All of this actually stemmed from a conversation with a friend several months ago, about how speaking up for myself makes me seem like a cold-hearted bitch, and this friend had had similar experiences. They had also lost a lot of people in their life because they spoke up, didn’t back down, were handed responsibilities they refused to carry. Their perspective though was “fuck it, we can’t please everyone and I need to be me”. Unapologetic. It’s mind boggling, and has been turning over in my head since then…

Over this winter, I slipped simultaneously into two frames of mind – “I will establish my boundaries and I’m sticking to them no matter what people think” and “I need to be seen and not heard, stay in the background”. Mandy is horrified when we stick to our boundaries – what if someone thinks we’re trying to take away their right to choose?... Myria hates being seen and not heard – we are more than allowed to take up space!... and Maria (the loud, takes no shit one) is thoroughly disgusted with both of them – we don’t need to rely on how others perceive us, we know who we are and can be that! My head has been a battle ground for a while now, while we all fight it out to see who takes precedence…

Mandy has some good qualities that we’ll be keeping but the people-pleasing has to go, Maria has a lot of anger we’re working on processing… and in the end Myria will find the balance and win. Getting there is exhausting…

My desire to stand up for myself and keep my boundaries, especially now, is stronger than what I thought was my “need” for people-pleasing. How my mom felt when I was 6 was not my fault, and I refuse to take that guilt forward. How my friends and family felt when I told them I had boundaries and would no longer be participating in their lives in the way they expected, is not my fault and I refuse to take that guilt forward as well. How people feel when I refuse to pick up the pieces and pay the consequences of their actions is not my responsibility either, and I refuse to feel guilty for that. I need to remember that people aren’t disappointed in me as a person, but instead are disappointed that I don’t meet their expectations. Are those expectations my responsibility? The answer is a huge NO!

What is my responsibility is how I show up for others. If I let them believe I was one way then changed my mind, then that’s on me. However, that doesn't change the fact that I am allowed to change my mind.

How can I preach authenticity then hide who I am? If I don’t speak up for me, who else will? If I don’t speak out, how can I teach others to do it? Enabling others is not helping them, it turns out, and it sure the hell doesn’t help ourselves out either. ☹ I can no longer shrug my shoulders and say “whatever you want to do”, unless I truly don’t have a stake in the game. I have allowed myself to be passive when that’s not really who I am, and I can’t stand by and watch myself be that way any longer.

For those of you who may have gotten caught in my crossfire, I am sincerely sorry for exposing you to the juxtaposition. If you feel it’s time to walk away, I understand and don’t hold that against you. If there’s room for all of my weirdness, that’s cool too. <3 I plan to be back together soon but I can’t make any promises lol. Maybe we’ll find a different personality and be someone completely different! Please remember, for those of you who may stick around, establishing my boundaries does not take away your right to establish your own. I am not trying to walk over you, I am trying to walk with you. You do you, and I’ll do me, and together we can traverse this craziness we call life... or not, that’s up to you.

I know my task in this life is to help people see other perspectives, maybe push them out of their comfort zones if necessary. Some people go willingly, some people don’t even realize the shifts in their lives, and some people fight tooth and nail against their own growth. The ones that fight are the ones that determine I’m the devil incarnate – that my entire existence is purely based on making their lives a living hell. I lost count a long time ago how many times I’ve heard that from friends and family alike, and when people who’ve never met each other all accuse me of the same thing, it’s hard to convince myself that it’s not my shortcomings but their own perceptions that make them think that way. I’m the common denominator, right!? And it turns out, the first time I heard that I was 6 years old. The funny thing is, I don’t actually do anything except challenge the way they think. I would hold space, be me, and remind people that the world is multi-dimensional and they can change their perspectives. And sometimes, I need help figuring things out which challenges people as well – in that they have to decide how much they are willing to stop out of their comfort zone to help others. The answer, in my world, is that they usually are not willing.

The message here, for me, is instead of living by the words “everything I say can and will be used against me”, I need to truly integrate the words “what other people think of me is none of my business”. This last couple years or so has reminded me that I do have people I can count on, that I don’t “have to” carry all the things, and that guilt is most definitely not my friend. And before anyone worries, I am well aware of what all of this sounds like – I am really and truly okay, simply thinking out loud while I process a lot of things I’ve done to myself in my lifetime based on my experiences. I am just writing this time, not evaluating my words and how everyone will perceive them… The wonderful part is – if our perceptions are reality, there is no reason to keep the perceptions that keep us down right?! So I’m changing mine. <3

So… what in your life has occurred that deserves for you to change your perspective? Does 6-year-old you have a different world view than 30 or 40 something year old you? Can you forgive your inner child for not knowing better and doing what had to be done to survive? Can you hold space for your inner child and allow them to shift perspectives? Can you forgive adult you for holding on to those wounds because you didn’t know any better? Better yet, what parts of you do you want to bring forward that will be grateful to see the light once your perspective has changed?

I’ve been consciously doing shadow work for about 15 years, and it took this long to come to this particular new perspective. There’s no time limit on growth, my friends, and remember not to use that against yourself as well. The time will come when it comes – I had a lot of other things to deal with before I unburied this one, and that’s okay. Sitting here thinking of all of these things, my shoulders have been really sore and my throat felt tight. 40+ years of carrying something that lived just on the edge of my consciousness is sooo heavy. I can feel it lifting now though, and that’s enough. I am truly grateful for you for holding space for me, even just virtual space, so that I can process out loud.

And that my friends, is the next edition in “the life and times of a neurotic but also fun and extraverted weirdo”. I think maybe that will be my book title if I ever sit down and write LOL. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, and remember you are loved! I am here for you, if you want a place to process out loud also – no judgement or criticism, simply space to be you. <3

Picture is a small step into allowing me to be me - a fully visible tattoo! <3