Making Friends with Demons

1/24/26

A couple weeks ago, I posted about the pitfalls of not supporting yourself when making changes in your life. I hadn’t slept much in days, did not spend hours revising that post like I normally would, and just “word vomited” like one of my friends likes to say. 😊 I truly appreciate the kind words and support I received after that post; you all are wonderful ❤

I find that every day is a new day full of learning and growth, and for those days leading up to that post I felt like I was moving backward instead of forward and was really struggling with that. The same day I made the post, I stressed myself into a migraine and was completely rooted in my body – the pain radiated throughout and highlighted so many areas where things were stored to be worked on. I swear I could feel every vertebra in my spine, even where parts are missing – could feel the bulged and missing discs in between – the joints in my hips and legs – nerve endings in random parts of the body - and the tightened muscles from tension in my neck and shoulders. The pain started in my head, radiated down to my toes, and worked it’s way back up until I was light and sound sensitive. Even the movement of air and clothes on my skin ached. I did get some sleep that night, from pure exhaustion – my body just shut down.

However, something miraculous happened before I went to bed. I was moving around the house preparing for bed the best I could, and felt something detach. I still had enough presence of mind to observe, thank the Gods, and kinda “watched?” “felt?” “understood?” (not sure which word to use)…

Please bear with me here, this is going to sound weird lol. It ‘seemed’ like a ghost was leaving my body, in the shape of all the things that hurt so badly – I could ‘see’ my spine, my shoulders, the nerve endings and soft tissue, as it separated from my body. They were mostly connected but were curled up almost in a fetal position, and sorta floated behind my body. I made a conscious decision to walk away from it and did, at which time it dissipated into thin air. And even though my body still ached because the physical doesn’t transition quickly, I felt “lighter”. Then I went to bed, finally found a comfortable position, and passed out (for lack of a better term). The next morning, I felt better mentally than I have in ages.

I mentioned before – we are our own worst enemies and it’s amazing the amount of bullsh1t we put ourselves through. BUT! We are also our own best saviors. A little bit of mindfulness, ‘listening’ to our Selves when sh1t hits the fan, and letting go instead of obsessing truly does go a long way in being okay with ourselves. I’m no longer stuck in the endless loop of confusion and agitation that I created in my head, my body feels better than it has in a while (although I moved wrong last weekend and have had to pay close attention to walking correctly since then), and the best part is I’M SLEEPING!

As always, if you’re still with me, thanks for following along on this wild ride. There is a point to the rambling, 😊 and I promise I’ll get there eventually.

In the alternative healing community, I have made mention many times that I am not a healer, I’m a facilitator. I do not work with people so I can heal them, I help them bring to light what they can heal and walk them through it. For a Reiki or energy work session, that’s not what it “looks like”, but not all things happen during a healing session on the physical plane. There are so many ways to facilitate that healing for our Selves… Some are physical - getting a massage, an EFT practice, using pendulums or other metaphysical “partners” (<-- more on that topic later), etc. Some are mental – find the problem, re-examine it, change the perspective. Some are emotional – asking questions like “how did I feel about this? Is there another way I can feel about it?” – again changing the perspective.

Spiritual healing is a little different though – right? We are taught to meditate, which is not always sitting in silence (<-- more on that later too). We are taught to identify the problem, dig down deep and find it – name it, change whatever needs changed AND/OR breathe love and understanding into it, and release. For me at this time, that sounds so much like a chore. I felt that I did so well at that when I first started on this path way back when – sat down on a regular basis, dug around in my body and my psyche looking for the broken parts, identified and named the problem, observed and shifted the problem, released it. I don’t do it any longer, not in an intentional, conscious way – sitting and processing. It’s more of a when it comes up, process on the fly, kind of practice.

But they’re not broken parts, are they? They are splinters, leftovers from another time. They are pieces of Self, misunderstood and hiding. They are the parts we’re taught not to show because they are “too much” for those around us. They are fears, misgivings, doubts… Much like some of us taking souvenirs from a special place – picking up a pretty rock, or a leaf, or pictures – something that reminds us of a special time – we also have these “souvenirs” from when life wasn’t so grand. We don’t pick up something physical to remind us, but instead leave that map in our body to remind us of the things we perceived as bad.

Do we have to name these spots? NO. Do we have to “understand” them? NO. Do we have to sit and dwell on it for a time before we’re ‘allowed’ to release? NO. The only thing we “need” to be is mindful. If a trigger comes up, breathe. Work on it when you have time, table it for the moment if need be, don’t shove it back down in the dark. Later on, ask yourself how that can be transmuted – what situation caused that and does it pertain to this situation? How can we act/react differently? Next time, the trigger won’t be as strong. 😊 It’s a slow path, but it also honors our seasons of growth and learning.

Healing is a spiral, and the things we work on today will come back up again, I can guarantee it. When we are ready for the next step, when we have a different level of understanding and can get further into the healing part, when a situation arises that enables our release – these things will come up again. I will say again – we do NOT have to name it to transmute it / ground it out / cleanse / release… however you choose to process. All we “need” for our Selves is presence.

I have no idea what all was stored in that “ghost” – I know for sure some of it was self-doubt, fear of vulnerability, and fear of success AND failure. The rest of it was so heavy, but I don’t have a name for it. I don’t know what caused it, I don’t know what perceptions I had, I don’t know what the future me will be like because of that release (<-- although time is irrelevant, we do change as we go through our cycles). All I know is that I feel so much better having released it. Am I still anxious? Absolutely – but for now I'm remembering to stop and listen to me when it arises. Am I still scattered? Absolutely! But I am owning up to my mistakes without fear. Will I end up in that place again? Most likely – because there will be something else I’ll wrap my head around and get stuck. I just hope I remember next time not to let it last so long.

I also learned something else in the last couple weeks – for years now I’ve been frustrated by the fact that I ‘leak’ at the eyes LOL – I don’t cry much, but my eyes water an awful lot in intense situations. If I let it go on too long, it will absolutely turn into crying and processing – one of my mentors says “a wet face is a clean face” and I definitely agree! Being more comfortable with fire than water I much prefer to transmute rather than cleanse, but a good cry is definitely a good way to release what we are not naming.

However! The leaking is what bothers me – I didn’t understand why my eyes water. 20+ years now and I've never focused on that part. I heard all the time growing up that there was never a reason to cry – if something happened it happened, pick up and move on. If it didn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be, no use crying. You’re feeling off – how can you change that? Don’t cry. No need to cry.

So now when my eyes water because of an intense situation, I am not crying, I am releasing – but I am very much aware that others may perceive it as crying, and then I start to feel ashamed, vulnerable, exposed – and then emotions not tied to the situation come up and I become a big mess inside. And whether they are actually perceiving it that way or just holding space doesn’t matter, cuz now I’m stuck in my head. Queue the anxiety!

I was processing all of this last week (releasing the 'ghost'), standing in the shower cuz that’s the best time to think 😊 and my eyes started leaking. My reaction...? Seriously, Myria, now?! I’m not in an intense situation, I’m merely seeking to understand what I put myself through [not emotional], and I’m not talking to anyone… then it hit me. I wasn’t talking. Usually my eyes water when I am talking, so what’s the difference? What was I thinking about that caused the leak?

On the movie Hook, Smee says “lightning has just struck my brain” when he had an epiphany and it felt kinda like that LOL. I was thinking about things that I couldn’t say out loud. So I thought about other times when I ‘leaked’ and realized that almost all of those “tears” were unspoken words. When I’m full-on crying, I’m probably saying a lot of things I normally wouldn’t and I can guarantee those come out as a jumble mess – but when I’m leaking, I’m holding myself back.

And I think that “ghost” that I released was almost a deluge of unshed tears. All the times I didn’t allow myself to leak, to cry, to cleanse, scream, rage, transmute, RELEASE. And it’s not just words being held back, it’s inactions, it’s not standing up for myself, it’s pushing “less than” on my Self. All of the above wholly imposed on my Self by yours truly 😕

What a mess we can get ourselves into! And how wonderful it is that we can be our own white knights – if we allow our Selves to do it! I’m reconnecting with my fire [again!], I’m “remembering” how to transmute [again!], and I’m doing my best to be aware of what I’m thinking and keeping out of the mind loops. And I’m very much aware that there will be pitfalls, that we (the royal we LOL) will be back here again, and hopefully we will learn even more on the next go round.

I haven't quit smoking but I have drastically reduced my intake. I'm remembering to have faith in my ability to do what needs done. And I'm gently reminding myself that although we don't control everything, we can control our perspectives. And most importantly (for now), I'm observing when I use my voice and when I don't, and how my body feels when I hold back. And my word for this year is "Celebrate" - finding something to celebrate every day used to be my super power, and I intend on bringing that part of me forward for this year. ❤

In the meantime, thank you again so much for holding this space for me. I know it’s simply social media or websites or whatever avenue and it’s there whether you read it or not, but if you’re at this point in the story - you took the time to read and at least be a sounding board. And for me, getting the words out is the easiest way for me to transmute – I am eternally grateful for all of you whether we interact after this post or not. ❤ Please know, that I am also here for you, to hold space, to provide a sounding board, to shed tears with you (as I’m learning that it’s okay to cry), to sit with you while you learn to BE.

I’ll leave you with these thoughts. It’s okay to be “off”, to not be who you want to be, to struggle with your Self – once in a while. This is where the Spiritual Warrior in your Self comes in – fight through what holds you back, use these spaces as learning opportunities, let the voices in your head scream for a while but try to listen to what they’re saying, hold yourself with patience. Seek help when it’s needed – from a friend, from a therapist, from an energy healer – even just getting your hair done can be something out of the norm that can help reset your brain. Being present and mindful will eventually help you to “remember” who you, and the feeling of ‘coming home’ each time is better than the last.

Some of my favorite fictional interactions are in Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. The caterpillar asks “Who are you?” and Alice says “I—I hardly know, Sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”

The caterpillar responds with “Explain yourself.” And Alice says “I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir, because I’m not myself, you see.”

She’s confused, unclear, and frustrated, and she learns more about herself as she finds her path.

And at the end, in the movie with Johnny Depp, she says “I am Alice” and the caterpillar responds with “At last”. ❤

So today, I will ask – “Who are you?” Are you who you want to be? Are you all you can be? What parts of you need some extra love and attention? And please remember – I see you, I have faith in you, and I love you. If you have trouble holding faith and love for yourself, I will hold it for you until you can. ❤